When Portal came out, the Portal Gun was just a tool for an engaging puzzle game. This allowed Chell to survive the deadly encounters GLaDOS put him through and provided the consumer with fun physics-based gameplay.
Now that Portal has become a staple of gaming culture, and recognizable even among people who might not call themselves gamers, the Portal Gun has also become an icon. This made many people, including myself, wonder: what would i do with a portal gun?
It should be noted that in this article I am ignoring the rule of only being able to fire portals at specific surfaces, because it sucks.
seven Move somewhere in the mountains
One issue with the Portal Gun is that you need to be able to see where you are going. I mean, I guess it does in real life, but this Portal Gun is supposed to improve my real life, damn it!
What is the solution ?
Move next to a mountain. Preferably lots of mountains. From below you can always see the top of a mountain. Then when you’re on top of a mountain, you can see for miles and miles! You will be able to cross this whole area in a flash.
6 Make a very scientific laundry chute
My favorite modern invention isn’t the light bulb, the miracle of science that allows anyone to entertain guests late into the night and doctors to perform ominous surgeries in basements. It’s not the car, which allows more people than ever to waste their time getting around. It’s not the toothbrush (though I might have had a different opinion had I had all my teeth knocked out at 13 or something).
This is the laundry chute: a long tube that takes your dirty clothes from the hallway to the washing machine using the amazing and revolutionary science of gravity (which, honestly, has been a wasted concept until now)!
Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to have one of these majestic machines. That’s where your trusty portal gun comes in. Throw away your laundry basket and open a portal in its place! Your laundry will land safely in the washing machine without requiring you to descend a few flights of stairs each week.
5 Go on vacation during working hours
Since the COVID-19 pandemic hit, many people in office jobs have been working from home. If you’ve ever worked in an office, you might know that you spend your time doing very little real work.
Have you seen those tik-toks where people with desk jobs just scroll their phone, wiggle their mouse a bit to tell the system they’re still online, and then go back to their phone? Yeah, they weren’t doing more work than that in the office building just because their colleague Susan was in the cubicle next to them.
The portal gun changes everything. It’s nice to be able to be home while you do your very important nothing but, with a portal gun you could be anywhere! You could go on vacation to South Africa, China, France, while having constant and reliable Internet access! Simply place a portal next to your home computer, fly to Germany, and place the alternate portal wherever you want! As a bonus, when you’re ready to fly home, you don’t have to pay for another flight.
4 Hire a scientist to reproduce it
If I had a portal gun in real life, that would mean it really exists, physically. No duh.
Whether I traveled to an alternate universe and stole it or killed the scientists who created it in our own universe (and what the moral implications of those actions might be) doesn’t matter. What is important is that it exists, and therefore I can do more.
So, first step, find scientists (preferably the smart ones, not those who ‘a little dark chocolate and a glass of red wine will keep the cancer away’) who will agree to reverse engineer this machine for me. If I can pay them with the promise of reduced profits, that would be great. Otherwise, sell the car, get a second mortgage, whatever it takes.
3 Start shipping stuff around the world at almost no cost
Now that I have all my portal guns, it’s time to make some money. I might just start selling the weapons, but that’s nothing compared to what I’ll earn in my real investment: shipping.
Shipping parcels, food, etc. is one of the most expensive processes on the planet. Ships and planes must be refueled, crew must be paid, crates must be built… Imagine what a revolution it would be to just push a box through a magical blue hole in India and pop it on the other side in Ireland!
Sure, the portals are small and all, so we’d be limited at first, but when the operation is up and running I could pay my genius scientists to upgrade the original device! We could ship cars and other bulky goods in no time!
2 Become a millionaire
I don’t even really need to do anything for the next step; I will become a millionaire – probably even a billionaire and a trillionaire in time. The portal gun will revolutionize everything, from the travel industry to the workplace, from shipping to finance.
Everyone will have a portal gun in their house. They’ll be a staple of every modern TV show and those without them will become stale – like when you see them pull out a flip phone on Friends, or watch the giant, blocky computers they use on The Office. .
1 Go on the moon
What am I going to spend my millions on, you ask? A space suit.
My next trip will be to a place that many humans have dreamed of visiting, but few have ever set their sights on the Moon.
Chell (the goddess of my new obligatory world religion) visited the moon, after all. Why shouldn’t I follow in his glorious footsteps? Perhaps I will colonize it and bring the human race closer than ever to the stars.
…after killing that little ‘Space’ core, of course. He will be more useful as a martyr.
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