Every thought I had while watching “Marry Me”

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Photo: Barry Wetcher/Universal Studios

It’s a story as old as time: one music superstar gets engaged to another. He cheated on her. She therefore marries a stranger in the middle of a concert. At least that’s the premise of Jennifer Lopez’s new romantic comedy, Marry me. The movie is like a musical version of TLC Married at first sight …more Jennifer Lopez. J.Lo plays the aforementioned music superstar, Kat Valdez, and Colombian singer Maluma plays Bastian, her cheating fiancé. Plus, Owen Wilson is there, playing the stranger Kat marries at one of her gigs. Pop music and odd shenanigans ensue!

Marry me hits theaters on February 11 and will air on Peacock. Is it worth your time, money and/or risk of exposure to COVID? You can decide for yourself after reading all my thoughts on the movie. I recommend going through this list while listening this song from the soundtrack repeat. Cue music.

Spoilers ahead, but, I mean, it’s a romantic comedy. You can probably guess the whole plot of this movie.

– Start strong with a J.Lo dance number. J.Lo’s character is of course not called J.Lo, but I can’t legally call her anything other than J.Lo.

– J.Lo is engaged to singer Bastian (Maluma). Fans sent her engagement gifts and someone gave her a stove. Should I send Rihanna a microwave congratulations on her pregnancy?

– Owen Wilson entered the chat, and he’s… a divorced math teacher? Believable. And he coaches a team of mathletes called the Pi-thons, which is amazing writing. 10/10.

– A funny thing about me: my husband is a middle school math teacher and I will strongly criticize any references in this movie to math, middle school, etc.

– Sarah Silverman also teaches at her school. I bet she’s an English teacher. Oh, just kidding, she’s a guidance counselor. I wonder if she should be part of the sexual discourse of students like my college guidance counselor.

– So a major plot point of this movie is that weddings can be contained for social media. Am I hearing #weddingbells for Bennifer?

– Some facts about Maluma: He is very cute and 25 years younger than J.Lo. Perfect.

– When I was Googler Maluma’s age, I learned that this movie is based on a graphic novel. Watching this film counts as reading a book.

– J.Lo prepares her wedding vows for her upcoming public nuptials with Bastian/Maluma. She wants to quote a poem by Keats. Courageous! Keats died at 25, the same number of years as the age gap between Maluma and J.Lo. Easter eggs??

– It’s time for a pop star wedding in a sold-out arena! J.Lo begins with a song called “Church”, which is a good song in the A star is born“Why did you do it ?” sense. Her backup dancers are dressed as horny nuns, and J.Lo is in an outfit that can only be described as “a gorgeous, naked saint.”

– Meanwhile, Bastian was caught cheating and exposed by “Page Six”. Oh oh ! We’re getting closer and closer to a blockbuster movie using TwoMe in a major plot point.

– J.Lo put on her wedding dress in the middle of a concert and looks like a Christmas Barbie Ornament. But then she learns of her fiancé’s infidelity on stage. She looks sad but still glamorous. Now she’s giving a talk about love being a lie. If only someone could change his mind…

– Owen Wilson is at the concert with his daughter and Sarah Silverman. He’s sort of the only person holding a sign near the front of the audience. This is also how my husband and I met.

– Okay, J.Lo and Owen Wilson are getting married on stage. Everything is going so fast! An ordained reserve dancer asks if Owen Wilson will take J.Lo as his wife, and Owen Wilson says, “Okay.” Okay?!? Either way, her outfit is exactly what every chaperone dad wears to a concert: layered shirts, pants, and comfy shoes.

– It seems illegal to watch Jennifer Lopez and Owen Wilson kiss.

– Good news! Owen Wilson is 53 years old. A movie couple with a minimal age gap? Innovative.

– The news of J.Lo’s marriage to a hike is spreading! It’s all over late at night! Jimmy Fallon’s fake monologue jokes are perfectly terrible. Plus, we learned that Owen Wilson still has a flip phone. Humiliating!

– Owen Wilson (whose character name I refuse to know) does not want to take $5,000 in compensation for this fake marriage. I would make my husband take $5,000 to marry and divorce literally anyone.

– Oh, his character’s name is Charlie.

– The most unrealistic thing about this movie so far is Owen Wilson’s ability to relax at a press conference despite having no media training. Also, is J.Lo’s team going to give it a makeover or what? I miss his button-up blazer combo.

– Now J.Lo and Owen are going on a date to be photographed by the press. The date is in a bowling alley – the second most unrealistic plot point. Then they both go back to his house and J.Lo’s people are just…letting Owen Wilson be alone with her? This man could be a serial killer!

– How the hell does Owen Wilson have this big apartment on a teacher’s salary, and why does his apartment have a swing in the living room? Plus, he has a bulldog, which leads me to believe that J.Lo is currently covered in dog hair and drool.

– Something I can confirm about middle school math teachers as described by Owen Wilson: They go to bed around 8 p.m. I can also confirm that college kids are extremely enthusiastic about talking to a teacher’s spouse, whether or not they’re a world-famous celebrity or not. I once went to my husband’s school to talk to his kids about writing, and the question they asked me the most was, “What’s the weirdest thing Mr. Taylor does?”

– Owen Wilson keeps telling his students, “If you sit in the question, the answer finds you.” This is… not math!

– He invited J.Lo to his school’s semi-formal. Isn’t it a college? Do colleges have semi-formal schools? J.Lo chose to wear a pink chiffon dress with an exposed chest plate. She would absolutely get a dress code in real life.

Photo: Barry Wetcher/Universal Studios/B) 2020 UNIVERSAL STUDIOS. All rights reserved.

– Some of these students are in tuxedos? How old are these children? ten? 17? This is not what my college dances were like. All my classmates wore T-shirts and jeans, and I used blush for eye shadow.

– Ooh, a private J.Lo concert at the college prom. One of the teachers accompanies him on the guitar, and everyone applauds one and all three. Maybe this movie is not a comedy but a tragedy.

– Alright, we’re after the dance, and J.Lo is going back to Owen Wilson’s apartment. They will definitely fuck. Owen Wilson woos her with stories about watching the musical Camelot with his mother as they listen to “If I Ever Leave You”. Are these two going to fuck at Robert Goulet?

– This movie is too long. All movies are too long.

– Well, they fucked (offscreen), and now J.Lo is wearing her shirt and eating a green apple. Very excited PG-13.

– Aw, they’re going on a poor date. (Eating Chinese takeout while sitting on the floor and drinking wine from the bottle.) Also, J.Lo’s character doesn’t know how to use a blender?

Photo: Barry Wetcher/Universal Studios/B) 2020 UNIVERSAL STUDIOS. All rights reserved.

– Okay, we’re back in Owen Wilson’s class, and his students are thrilled that he’s getting famous. Cute! But then one of his kids says he needs to make a “web page,” and now they’re on Wix.com? To help!

– J.Lo showed up at her school after the kids left, and now things are getting exciting. I would literally never get weird in my husband’s class. It smells of pencil shavings and hot lunch.

– I wonder if we’ll ever meet Owen Wilson’s ex-wife and new partner, Dave. He looked cool.

– Uh-oh, Owen Wilson and J.Lo broke up because their lifestyles are – can you believe it – too different. J.Lo plays the piano sadly :'(

– We have reached the “breaking and figuring things out for themselves” part of the movie editing. J.Lo can use a blender now!

– So J.Lo wrote a sad song about Owen Wilson, the song is going up the charts (musical jargon), and now she realizes how much she misses him. She’s going to do the classic movie move where she drops everything to catch a flight to see him. Except she has to fly in coach. Barf!

– This movie pulls a mean girls with one of the final climactic scenes taking place during a math contest. Will Owen Wilson break a tiara and throw it into the crowd? Crossed fingers.

– Hmm, no tiara, but J.Lo and Owen Wilson got back together. The end!

– Bonus: They intercut the end credits with a bunch of (real?) couples talking about how they met. Unfortunately, no Ben Affleck cameo. What was even the point of it all then??

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